Conjugation

I have spent the last two days writing about how confused I was.

I wrote and read, and I reread and rewrote – trying to meticulously carve out something that authentically explicated the myriad of feelings I have been experiencing recently.
Something that expounded my thoughts and emotions, justified why I believe my current actions are okay, and conveyed my awareness of the implications of the most recent choices I have made and how they may affect others.

And today, I stopped.

Because none of it was true. I had reshaped my words and thoughts so much, so many times, that even I didn’t recognize what I was saying anymore. I had made something seemingly complicated and messy even more complicated by trying to justify and rationalize every thought and action so that others may understand and accept.

But then I realized something I already knew – that had been at the core all along – it isn’t complicated at all. It’s simple.

I discovered this today at the sole fault of my sister – who had no knowledge of her doing.

Chelsea: (11:38 AM)
I’m really struggling. From the outside it is just a simple girl code thing, but I think it’s impossible to make anyone fully understand how I feel.

Haley: (11:39 AM)
I know. I know you are torn. I know you love [him] and I know you love [her]. It is hard because you just got out of being in such a miserable place and you are finally really happy. But now [she] isn’t. It is really tough, but in the end, you might have to choose between them.

Chelsea: (11:45 AM)
Anyone who asks me to choose is going to lose me.

Chelsea: (11:46 AM)
Someone who actually loves me and can look at me, see how happy I am – how infinitely BETTER I am than I have been in years… and then makes me choose … That isn’t someone who is interested in me being a better person or being happy – it would mean that their happiness is fully dependent on my unhappiness. And that’s a big problem in itself.

And that was that.

It isn’t complicated at all. She spelled out my feelings in such a matter-of-fact way that it didn’t even immediately register. There was not big announcement or confession – it just was. Obvious. Known. It’s almost like when someone asks you if you want chicken or steak. You say you don’t care, and then when they choose for you, you immediately realize that you definitely cared.

I had this feeling someone was going to tell me that this was wrong. That I couldn’t in some way, shape, or form, proceed in the way I am. So I spent so long trying to explain why I can. And I finally realized that I don’t need to defend myself.

I am finally happy. Incredibly happy.
And I will not compromise it.

That doesn’t make me an emotional brick wall. It just means that I am going to stop torturing myself with justifying or rationalizing anything when I don’t need to. The people who deserve explanations will get them when they are ready. What they choose to do with the information is then entirely up to them.

I am just going to be.

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